…and I’ve got my sights trained on that big fucking TV at “Jerry World” in Dallas! Something had to get me out of my semi-retirement, and that “Helly of a Telly” is just the thing to get the punting juices flowing (see: British slang term for “punter” to make the last three words funnier.) Also, I just had to get those lame-ass “poems” off the front page of my blog. So I’ve been doing tons of plyometric training on my right leg, my kicking leg (on a side note: although I’m left-handed, I seem to do everything righty from the waist down; and yes, including that.) The gigantic, humongous, HD television in the new Dallas Cowboys stadium, which is hittable by a strong, well-placed punt, has become something of a metaphor for me and my writing: consistently posting on my blog is what I am aiming for. So if all goes according to plan, Jerry Jones will be shelling out the millions to raise that motherfucker.
What have I been doing for the past year and a half? you may be wondering…. Never you mind…perverts. Hahahahahahahahaha (By the way, I never write “LOL”, because I want to invoke Ray Liota, as Henry Hill, laughing in Goodfellas. Love that laugh.)
But seriously, I’d have to say that one of the main reason that my blog took a haiatus was the fact that I discovered an amazing blog that put mine to shame so badly that I retreated to my fortress of solitude and started going through all the crystals my Pops left me, in order to get my shit together. The writer of said blog calls himself The Cajun Boy, and is a self-described reformed conservative from Louisiana who now works and resides in New York City. Cajun has parlayed his popular blog into a myriad of writing gigs – Gawker, AnimalNY, to name a few – and is now writing for Yahoo! News. This dude is such a phenomenal writer, with such a razor sharp wit, I believe that this is just the beginning for him. Due to his increasing success with, you know, actual paid writing, Cajun doesn’t post with the same frequency as he once did, or with as much original prose, but still manages at least one post a week, usually directing his readers to an interesting video or article. So you might as well just stop reading my shit right now and head on over to visit Cajun Boy in the City.
We also fixed up and sold our old house, last winter, and moved to our new house this summer. Blah, blah, blah…Actually, that story is not so blah, blah. So the day we officially listed our old place on the market, I put on the Philly morning news and much to my surprise, a reporter was doing a news story from what appeared to be my neighborhood. I walked out onto the front porch, and looking past the freshly placed “For Sale” sign that now adorned our lawn, sure enough, there were the bright lights of a CBS camera crew. It turns out that the sweet, off-the-boat, oldish guy who owned the pizzeria a few blocks down the road from us was bludgeoned to death in his restaurant sometime early President’s Day, 2009. Reportedly, nothing was taken from the register, or anywhere else. Anyway, at the time, this whole tragic happening seemed to me to be quite the bad omen. But at least the news said that this was the first murder in the Telford/Souderton area in something like 50 years. And we did end up selling our place in about six weeks, so… And yes, after selfishly ruminating on the possible affect a local homicide may have on our home’s resale value, I was indeed saddened by the fact that a man’s life was brutally taken from him and his family; he was a grandfather, and seemed like a real nice guy. It’s been a year now, and there hasn’t been a single word on the case, from what I understand. I’ve heard things; but I’m gonna leave it at that, due to a certain organization that may or may not exist.
Here are few other reaso’s for the long hiatus from my blog:
- Facebook – I think I heard someone (possibly Keith Olbermann) say that, “Facebook is for people too lazy for blogging,” or something to that effect. This is quite a true statement as far as I’m concerned. When I come across something that gets me all jazzed up, it is so simple to just post it to Facebook, when I otherwise might have worked it into a good blog post. I still love Facebook, of course, because it allows me to create very detailed psychological profiles of all my over-sharing friends like I am in fucking Quantico.
- Football Season – I am commissioner of our Fantasy Football League, and take the responsibility quite seriously. I am also the Media of our league, and therefore do write-ups and power-rankings that consist of thousands of words. It’s probably a huge waste of time, but it is fun, and the other owners seems to really dig it; and it’s also one of the reasons why I am one of the best FF commissioners ever, if I do say so myself, and why I can get my friends to refer to me as The Commish, which is cool. Also, with my Chicago Bears playing so shitty since appearing in the Superbowl a few years back, there is usually a 50/50 chance that I’ll be in a deep depression through most weeks from September to January. It is hard to blog when you are curled up in the fetal position, sobbing.
- The 2008 Presidential Campaign – I dunno, something about the campaign, and its coverage as it reached crescendo in the Fall of 2008 just turned me off to writing about politics, which happens to be one of my favorite subjects (that and religion are my two favorite topics to discuss at dinner parties, which is probably why I don’t get invited to many). I can’t put my finger on it, but maybe it was just that there was nothing left to be said, or maybe there was just too much to say. Which brings me to my next reason for not blogging…
- Constipation – Other writers can probably attest to this. Sometimes there is just so much you want to say/write, that you get all backed up, and nothing comes out.
So consider this post to be my big, relieving shit – the verb, not to be confused with considering my blog to be shit, the noun. The Monday Morning Punter is back, baby; so stay tuned, Party People. And look out, Jerry.