Archive for December, 2010

Arbitrary Commentary: Manic Monday

Posted: Monday, December 13, 2010 in Uncategorized

Good morning, Party People; here’s hoping that your Monday isn’t sucking too hard.  Considering that my beloved Chicago Bears were completely embarrassed and annihilated by the New England Patriots and Tom Brady’s hair, we’re not doing all that bad out here.  And since we actually watched something other than football and football highlights last night for the first time in six weeks, I feel like popping off on a few buzz-worthy topics this morning.  OK, to the water-cooler!

  • Speaking of the NFL, how about the inflatable roof of the Minnesota Metrodome collapsing? Did you see the video of it from the inside?  Pretty crazy stuff.  You just know that Michael Irvin imagined all that snow pouring into the stadium as cocaine.  What a shit-show: the Metrodome is like the white-trashy, above-ground-pool of stadiums with that big bubble roof.  Doesn’t it snow heavily in Minneapolis quite frequently?  If you are a Vikings fan, you might as well just give up the Ghost.  It’s never gonna happen for y’all.
  • And speaking of big wet sloppy collapses, did you happen to catch the next Speaker of the House, John Boehner, bawling and blubbering all over himself on 60 Minutes? (here’s the whole piece; and its gets awkward at the 5:30 and 12:40 marks) There’s nothing wrong with men crying and showing emotion; but Jesus Christ!  Get. It. Together, man.  That shit last night was downright uncomfortable.  First of all, the subject matter seems a little strange to let flow the water-works like that: who cries like that when talking about kids and the ‘American Dream’ in this context?  (That is, unless deep down you are uncomfortable negotiating “the American Dream” with consistent cuts to educational spending.)  And the other thing that Mr. Boehner would do well to remember in the future: never continue speaking once the crying begins. It is best to just shut the fuck up for a few seconds until you can speak without sounding like some pathetic, gurgling fool (just ask legendary Phillies 3rd Baseman Mike Schmidt or my favorite fucking crybaby and phallic photog, Brett Favre.)  So again, men and women alike, do us all a favor, and let the tears pass a little before speaking.
  • So GawkerMedia got the shit hacked out of them by a group calling themselves Gnosis or something, apparently because of Gawker’s arrogance in taunting 4Chan for not being able to accomplish such a hack. I’m a big fan of Gawker, but I suppose they sort of asked for it: a site like this had better have top-notch security, because they sure do piss a LOT of people off.  One result of the hack is that all the usernames and passwords of commentators have been compromised, which sucks, because now I have to go and change all of my passwords from “2012NJSitchAbs4life.”  Shit; that was a good one. (UPDATE: If you are concerned that your personal info may be compromised via the Gawker hack, you can check if the email associated with the data is among those released by the hackers here, at Slate.com.  And I am happy to report that the Monday morning Punter is in the clear!)

OK, Party People, that’s it for now.  Have a good day, and try not to kill each other out there.

The Rooster

Posted: Wednesday, December 8, 2010 in Life, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

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My office now doubles as a sniper-perch because we have an issue with squirrels getting up into our soffit (the area between the roof and walls that leads to the attic.)  There are few sounds worse than that of some creature scurrying about inside your walls as you lie in bed trying to fall asleep, especially in a new home.  I need to make sure that these glorified rats are out of our house before getting the entry points (they are pushing their way through the siding where the soffit meets in corners) sealed up, or else we could have them tearing about up there as they are trapped and dying a cruel death; and then there is the putrid aftermath.  Bottom-line: they gotta go!

Of course trapping the squirrels is an option, and one that I spent time and money pursuing.  I purchased a Have-a-Heart (r) humane trap, and fully intended to snatch em up and take them on a nice little trip across the river to New Jersey (apparently, squirrels will find their way “home,”covering distances of at least 10 miles.)  After doing some research, this option became less and less appealing, as I learned that trapping and releasing isn’t very humane at all.  Squirrels maintain their own territory, and one displaced to a new area would most likely be doomed to attack or death of starvation.  Also, I wasn’t thrilled with the idea of transporting frightened, wild animals in my truck (illegally, most likely.)  And on top of that, the creature could injure itself as it bombed around inside the trap.  But all these issues became moot, because these clever fucks would not get into that trap.  I watched them gobble up the chunky peanut-butter left out in the woods in front of my office window, but once it was placed inside the trap, the squirrels approached but wisely declined to enter.

The trapping “solution” became a huge waste of time, with the setting, checking, and returning each night (squirrels only come out during the day, and I wasn’t interested in catching anything else.)  The squirrels continued to taunt me with their frolicking and foraging outside my window by day, and their scratching in the walls at night.  Clearly it was time to explore other options.  And I wasn’t about to pay a few hundred bucks for someone to take care of this problem for us.  I’m a half-assed do-it-youselfer, after all.

I decided to purchase a high powered, spring-action, break-barrel, Daisy (r) 1000 Powerline air rifle, that fires both pointed, snub, and hollow-point pellets at 1000 feet-per-second.  (Ralphie would have blown his fucking head off with this bad-boy at the end of A Christmas Story.) If I’m gonna shoot these little bastards, I’m not looking to just injure them and cause undue suffering; this Daisy (r) Powerline – named “Robin” – will most definitely produce a quick kill with a well placed shot to the center-mass.  And after successfully sighting my first ever scope, I fully intend on delivering a well placed shot to the center-mass.

(Not for nothing, but the “Sniper Solution” to our squirrel problem is by far the most fun, that’s for sure.  I’ve been having an absolute blast sighting my scope and taking target practice, and I’m getting pretty good as I get more comfortable shooting and breaking in “Robin the Rifle.”  When I’m working and writing at my desk, I take occasional target breaks and fire some pellets right from my office window, pictured above, at a series of cans and targets I positioned in the woods.  I really need to get a picture of “Robin’s” rifle barrel sticking out of my window from a distance, just to see how bad I am freaking out the neighborhood.)

Now look, I don’t particularly enjoy the act of killing (well, animals, anyway).  Hunting and fishing don’t really do it for me, because, again, I take no pleasure in killing animals.  But I sure as shit don’t particularly enjoy animal breeding within the confines of our home, and I take even less pleasure in paying hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars to repair the extensive damage that squirrels are capable of causing.

And with all that being said, know that I have absolutely zero problem with people who hunt and/or fish.  As a general rule,  I try to keep my hypocrisy at as low and manageable a level as possible: I’m no fucking vegan or anything, and unless you are, you have no right to bitch about hunting.  Because, as far as I’m concerned, hunting an animal, and quickly taking it out in its own environment, is far more of a humane scenario than that same animal being raised from birth in a horrible, disgusting, food-factory (and I love food-factory products.)  And of course there is the whole over-population issues for some game animals that leads to a brutal, starving existence.  But I digress…

In the wintertime, squirrels limit their outdoor activity to the mornings only, and then spend the rest of the day and night in the confines of their nests, which in this case, happens to be the warmth and comfort of our fucking house!  And in the case of really bad or cold weather, squirrels can just chill out in their dens for days!

If these little rodents had just settled for a tree nest like most of their brethren already do, we would have no problem co-existing on this tiny plot of earth; but noooo, the squirrels around here have been living large for over a year, after movin’ on up to a deluxe apartment in the sky.

So starting tomorrow morning, the motherfuckin’ rent is due!

Eat Your Heart Out, Ralphie.

Posted: Tuesday, December 7, 2010 in Life

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Happy Holidays, party people; hope it all rocks.

And to all you squirrels up in my soffit, with my new Daisy air rifle, I will shoot your fucking eyes out.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!